Struggle with the language ( no not the cussin) used by the boys on a wednesday night at football. Here’sa guide. Unfortunately it does not offer translations for Martin or Steve’s accents !

Courtesy of midfield

Key: n – noun, v – verb, gaff – gaffer-talk, ply – player-talk, pund – classic punditry, sch – schoolyard slang, sft – serious footy term, tab – tabloidese,

Adjudged pund. An actual word simply meaning ‘judged’. Only ever used in football parlance.
Blast v. tab. Use of forceful verbiage. Tabloidese, i.e. “Fergie Blasts FA Rap”.
Boy Done Good pund. Classic punditry from former players not familiar with the queen’s english like what we are. Used to describe a player who has done rather well in a game, most probably scoring.
By Mutual Consent tab. Sacked; parted company
Catenaccio sft. Defensive tactical system to grind out dreary narrow victories, made famous in the 1960’s by Inter Milan coach Helenio Herrera. Heavily influenced the Karl Rappan’s Swiss Bolt system (Catenaccio being Italian for door-bolt).
Change pegs sch. Shouted out to alert opposition that an outfield player is about to become the goalkeeper and can now handle the ball without a peno being given.
Classic Hat-trick v. Golden Hat-trick; Perfect Hat-trick.
Colin West v. When a player in acres of space inexplicably slices a pass into the back of the nearest stand he is known to have ‘done a Colin West’.
Corporate Fans tab. Prawn Sandwich Brigade.
Early Doors pund. The opening minutes of a half. Another gift from Professor Atkinson.
Eric’s ball – sound heard approximately 10 seconds before opposition score a goal
Flawless Hat-trick v. German Hat-trick.
Gaffer n. Manager; boss.
German Hat-trick v. Three goals scored by the same player, consecutively, in one half of football, i.e. no other player should have scored a goal in between. See also: Flawless Hat-trick.
Goal-hanger n. sch. Person infamous for constantly Goal-hanging . See Ghassan
Goal-hanging v. sch. Refusing to do anything in a match apart from loiter around the opposition’s goal mouth, waiting for a chance of a shot at goal and then taking all the glory if they score.
Glory Hunter v. sch. A ‘fan’ who swaps teams regularly to follow the most successful.
Golden Hat-trick v. Classic Hat-trick; Perfect Hat-trick.
Group of Death pund. The name given to a particularly tricky group of teams at a major tournament. e.g. Brazil, Argentina, Italy in 1982 or Italy, Holland, France and Romania in Euro 2008.
Hairdryer Treatment pund. tab. Motivational tool; A bollocking; Usually at half time and originated by Sir Alex Ferguson.
Handbags v. pund. Near perfect word to describe the pathetic pushing and shoving that takes place when there is some sort of fracas between players.
He worked his socks off” gaff. A phrase used by managers to describe the headless chicken antics of some mediocre player getting stick from supporters.
He’ll be disappointed with that” pund. Phrase used by pundits who are too scared to actually criticise some overpaid Jessie who couldn’t hit a combine harvester with a clothes horse.
Horror Tackle pund. tab. A two footed, studs up challenge apparently designed to break legs, but never seemingly to do so.
I didn’t see it” gaff. Phrase used by managers, particularly French ones, to endorse correct decisions made by refs against their players.
Jumpers for Goal-posts sch. The method of creating temporary goal posts in the park by dumping jumpers down on the floor to indicate where posts would be, whilst ignoring the problem of the cross-bar. Imoortalised by the Fast Show character, Ron Manager.
Lollipop v. pund. Football skill. To move the foot quickly round the ball without touching it but making the opposition think you’re going to. Immortalised by ‘Big’ Ron Atkinson’s legendary commentary… “One lollipop. Two lollipops. Three lollipops !”
Managerial merry-go-round tab. Media driven football management tool for furthering stagnating careers. As used by Peter Reid, Graeme Souness, Bryan Robson, Glenn Hoddle, Steve Bruce etc.
Nesh v. sch. To pull out of a winnable challenge – i.e. “he neshed it”. Originates from North Derbyshire.
Obviously pl. Word trained into young players to be used regularly as an opener for some bland comment they’re about to provide to an interviewer.
Offside referee – last line of defence used by Steffano
Onion Bag n. Goals; nets.
Panic Buy v. tab. To make a last-minute purchase in the Transfer Window without really thinking it through.
Parted Company tab. Sacked
Peno v. Penalty.
Perfect Hat-trick v. Three goals scored by the same player in one match, one with the right foot, one with the left foot, and one with the head. See also: Classic Hat-trick; Golden Hat-trick.
Prawn Sandwich Brigade tab. Corporate fans who care little about the game and understand less.
Rap v. tab. A telling off in Tabloidese, i.e. “Fergie Cops FA Rap”
Relegation Dogfight v. Situation where a number of clubs are battling it out to avoid relegation from a league.
Relax– form of advice based upon ‘top quality’ coaching pickedup by Dominic and hence now used by every player on pitch
Riko’s ball – shout used frequently by Hardy to ensure he can still play a game
Riot Act pund. tab. The imaginary reading of which, is used to conjure up a vision of fury from a manager towards his under-performing players, i.e. “Fergie will be reading the riot act at half-time”.
Rush Goalie sch. Goalkeeper who is allowed to come out and score, rather than one who has to stay on his line.
Swaps v. sch. Duplicates in a Panini sticker collection; Swapsies.
Swapsies v. sch. Swaps.
Swiss Bolt sft. Defensive tactical system created by Karl Rappan back in the 1930’s. Heavily influenced the Italian Catenaccio system.
Take your time– pep talk from Ghassan
Togga n. sch. Football match; game; kick-about; As in “who’s coming out for a game of togga ?”
Traditional Curtain Raiser n. sch. Tha Charity Shield; the Community Shield
Traffic v. pund. Irritatingly adapted from F1 commentary to mean ‘players in the way’. Used almost uniquely by Clive Tyldesley.
Who’s round– now out of favour but formerly used for Pashak