Chiqui Arce
The surname Arce is funny. But to give yourself the moniker ‘Chiqui’ is inspired. Real name Francisco Javier Arce, Chiqui earned a decent reputation as a right-back for Paraguay during the finals of the 1998 and 2002 World Cups, although he’s still known more for the quality of his name rather than his darting runs and dead-ball ability.
Ars Bandeet
Ok, so this article is quickly starting to look like a wind-up, but legend has it (backed up by a few quick google searches) that in the 70’s the Algerian national team included a player called Ars Bandeet. That’s good enough for us.
Tunji Banjo
Nigerian international who, along with fellow countryman John Chiedozie, starred for Leyton Orient back in the 1980’s. It’s almost a shame that he was a pretty decent player, if he’d been completely pants he’d have provided some great ammunition for journalists and post-match wisecracks about barn doors, cow’s bottoms etc.
Segar Bastard
Or Mr Bastard to you. This legendary figure from the turn of the 20th Century appeared for England, refereed the 1878 FA Cup Final, played cricket for Essex, owned a racehorse, and still found time to earn a few shillings as a solicitor. Rumour has it he was also the great grandfather of Spoilt.
Frank Belt
A simple but effective name for the strapping young Hull City defender. We like.
Dominic Blizzard
The central midfielder hardly went down a storm at Watford, and was last seen heading off to Stockport in an old VW Scirocco.
Prince Boateng
Good. But not as good as Prince Polley.
Danny Boffin
We love this name. It’s mint. And the Belgian winger wasn’t a bad player either.
Mansour Boutabout
When the Algerian striker joined Sheffield Wednesday on trial from French outfit Sedan in 2008 a local Yorkshireman was heard to exclaim “I dont know nowt about this Boutabout”. Probably.
Dean Brill
From about 2003 onwards Luton’s Brill fought it out with Gerken for the coveted title of ‘best-named goalkeeeper called Dean’.
Bongo Christ
The Congolese striker would surely make a top ten of top names.
Norman Conquest
Hats of to Mr and Mrs Conquest of Australia for this one. Definitely the best named Australian goalkeeper ever.
Harry Daft
Played for England 5 times, and captained them once, earning himself the tag ‘Captain Daft’. Probably.
Darren Deadman
English referee with a penchant for shoes.
Steve Death
Legendary goalkeeper from the 1970’s with Reading, Death set a football league record of 1103 minutes without conceding a goal.
Danny Diver
Scottish striker who scored plenty of goals for plenty of teams (about 15 at the last count). And with a name like that he probably earned a fair share of penalties along the way.
Dominique Dropsy
If they’d ever done a film called Carry On Football back in the 60’s then England would probably have taken on a French team with a back line of Claude Camembert, Didier Bidet, Patrice Pommefrite and Pierre Bigun, protecting a goalkeeper called Dominique Dropsy. Well unlike the defence, Dropsy did exist, and wasn’t as bad a keeper as his name suggested, making the French squad for the 1978 World Cup and starting in their 3:1 victory over Hungary.
Mario Eggimann
The big Swiss defender came to our attention during Fabio Capello’s first game in charge for England against Switzerland at Wembley in January 2008. The delight on our faces when we discovered an Eggimann in the line-up was somewhat soured by John Motson’s idiotic attempts to pronounce it as “Ecki-man”.
Rod Fanni
Former Newcastle chairman Freddie Shepherd’s ears certainly pricked up in the summer of 2007 when he was told by his secretary that “Big Sam wants some Fanni”. You can only imagine the relief, or possibly disappointment knowing Freddie, when the chairman discovered that his new manager was actually after a French defender named Rod, from Nice.
Fritz Fuchs
Uwe’s father Fritz Fuchs was a player with Kaiserslautern and went on to coach a numebr of 2nd tier German teams.
Uwe Fuchs
The German centre-forward was voted 3rd in a list of Middlesborough’s cult heroes behind Bernie Slaven and Juninho, and it wasn’t just his comedy name that appealed to the Teeside fans – signed on loan with a few months remaining in the 1994-95 season, he scored 9 times in 15 games to help promote Boro to the Premiership, only for Bryan Robson to turn down a permanent deal. Inspired the legendary Boro t-shirts emblazoned with “Who the Uwe is Jurgen Klinnsman?”.
Argelico Fucks
Brazilian who carved out a half-decent career for himself as a central defender, but who is always going to be best remembered as the source of one of football’s greatest football headlines: “Fucks off to Benfica”, Eurosport’s famous description of his transfer from Palmeiras to Benfica. To see the headline, click here.
Milan Fukal
The Czech defender nearly graced the English game, but moves to both Man City and Leeds fell through.
Dean Gerken
From about 2003 onwards Colchester’s Gerken fought it out with Brill for the coveted title of ‘best-named goalkeeeper called Dean’.
Bernt Haas
For the upper and middle classes who sound out the letter ‘h’, the Swiss right back’s name may not have sounded so comical, but for everyone else, talk of Burnt ‘Arse was always good for a chuckle. Haas made his name at Grasshoppers Zurich before moving to England with Sunderland and West Brom, where he earned the nickname ‘Vindaloo’ amongst both fans and team-mates.
Alex Higgins
No, not that one, but an England youth international who Sheffield Wednesday had high hopes for but who never really made the grade, his impact being more like a gentle breeze than a hurricane.
Danny Invincible
How many times has the name Invincible popped up on the SkySports vidiprinter and we’ve thought to ourselves “Hah! He’s called Invincible, and he’s scored!”. About twice.
Daniel Killer
Another classic name from the Panini album. Killer was part of the Argentinian squad that won the 1978 World Cup.
Mario Killer
The less-talented brother of Daniel. But with an equally fine name.
Stefan Kuntz
Not even Motson could get around this one with a special pronunciation.
Ralf Minge
Young Ralfy played 36 times for East Germany in the 1980’s and even appeared at Wembley in 1984 when they lost 1:0 to England, although disappointingly we were a little too young at the time to notice what the line-up was or appreciate the true greatness of his name.
Jean-Jacques Misse-Misse
Jean-Jacques Misse-Misse was a former Cameroonian international striker who spent most of his career in Belgium. He washed up briefly at Chesterfield following a short spell at Dundee Utd, where he more than lived up to his name.
Johnny Moustache
He may sound like a team-mate of Billy the Fish, but young Moustache is actually one of the stars of Seychelles footy.
Neville Neville
The father of Gary and Phil didn’t actually play for Bury, he worked there as commercial manager, but he has to be in this list for the sheer cheek of his parents to give him this name. Fantasy Football first brought it to mainstream attention and most people will probably still think it’s a classic Skinner/Baddiel wind-up. But it’s not.
John Nutter
Left-back who spent many seasons in the non-league before transferring to Gillingham from Stevenage Borough in 2008.
Anthony Philip David Terry Frank Donald Stanley Gerry Gordon Stephen James Oatway
Or more commonly known as Charlie Oatway. The parents of the former Brighton captain thought it would be amusing to name their son after the 1973 QPR team. They were right. So why Charlie ? Apparently when told of the name, his Aunt said “He’d look a right Charlie”, and the name stuck.
Emmanuel Panther
The Scottish midfielder (full name Emmanuel Ugochukwu Ezenwa “Manny” Panther) was made captain of York City and made famous in the Conference league with the Minstermen’s chant… “He’s tall, he’s quick, his name’s a porno flick, Emmanuel! Emmanuel!”
Brian Pinas
When Newcastle signed him from Feyenoord in 1998 the Geordie fans were immediately worried that he would be sent off for foul and abusive language whenever the referee asked him for his name. Unfortunately for all concerned he never got the chance – making only one appearance before being sold back to the Rotterdam club.
Prince Polley
The Ghanaian international sounded like something Barbie might be dating, but was a hugely popular figure in the Dutch league in the 90’s.
Pedro Power
Bolivian midfielder. Of course, we grew up with Man City’s Paul Power, but somehow Pedro sounds better.
Bas Savage
We’re not sure if he’s related to long-haired namesake Robbie, but whilst the Leicester and Blackburn midfielder has comically made a name for himself as a hardman (he wouldn’t have last 2 minutes in the 70’s or 80’s), Bas has made his name as a striker with a trademark moonwalk goal celebration, made famous on Soccer AM.
Rafael Scheidt
Rafael was Scheidt by name, and shite by nature. Signed by John Barnes for just under 5 million, the Brazilian defender was spectacularly bad. He played less than 90 minutes in total and was farmed out by Martin O’Neill after the Irishman witnessed him in action during a friendly in Ireland.
Shane Sheriff
The Australian defender arrived at Birkenhead in 2006 to lay down the law with Tranmere Rovers following spells with Leeds Utd and Aarhus.
Orlando Trustfull
The classy Dutch midfielder played a couple of time for Holland before moving to Sheffield Wednesday where, bizarrely, he played a trial game under the guise of one ‘Ryan Twerton’. Married to the delightfully named TV presenter Quinty Trustfull.
Mario Turdo
Was the Argentinian as crap as his name suggested ? Celta Vigo, Rennes and Las Palmas certainly thought so.
Lopez Ufarte
Anyone growing up around the time of the ’82 World Cup will appreciate this one. Did we laugh when we opened up our Panini album for the first time, turned to Spain and saw that name ? Like never before.
Kick van der Vall
Cult figure in the 70’s with Dutch side FC Twente.
Reuben Wiggins-Thomas
The midfielder is without doubt the best named footballer in the Spireites long history.
Wolfgang Wolf
You couldn’t make this up. A stalwart pro for nearly 12 years with Bundesliga side 1.FC Kaiserslautern, he stepped into coaching with Stuttgart Kickers in 1994 before landing his dream job… yes, Wolfgang Wolf became coach of Wolfsburg. It was a sad day, 5 years later, when he left for Nurnberg. Nicknamed Wolfie. Probably.
Jesus Zamora
Another one from the 1982 Panini book of dreams. It’s not so strange now but back then, as a 10 year old, it was baffling and humorous to think that someone called Jesus was playing football at the World Cup. Cup.